...with Burnt Sour Cream

sixmondays:

I wish girls could be friends with boys without those boys crushing on them.
I wish sometimes I could just say I am a lesbian so boys won’t like me anymore…but I am straight…. Hmm

Wow, I was just about to rant about a similar topic when I saw this. I think I’ll use it as a start. No offence to you or your comment, because I agree with it fully.

F*** the word ‘like’. It means about ten different things in our language. It doesn’t always mean the same thing, even when used in the same context. Sometimes people don’t even understand all of its meanings. ‘like’ needs to just leave my vocabulary entirely. Its caused nothing but trouble for YEARS in my life.

I recently discovered that due to misconceptions between myself and various female parties about what “I like you” means, I’ve pretty much created innumerable awkward situations and even driven people apart when I really should have just shut the F*** up. Seriously. If I had just NOT said a word, things would have been infinitely better right now. That, or if I had figured out what I figured out tonight, I could have better explained what I meant, and then who knows what would have been. Maybe the same thing, maybe not. Hopefully not. Not a lot of positive has come out of my opening my mouth on the subject.

I’m tired, and therefore don’t want to rant for 3 pages (especially when I have 3 pages of tech writing to do instead) so I’ll end this rant with one more “F*** the word ‘like’”.

/endrant.

More and more I find myself wishing that I could be perfectly, completely, blatantly, bluntly honest at all points in time with everyone I talk to. I find myself wishing that the words “socially” and “acceptable” were never combined. If I could speak my mind without people getting offended, or taking my words the wrong way, things would be much more clear. Nearly every conflict between myself and others could be solved if we could just speak perfectly plainly to one another. Every time I sensor myself for the sake of social acceptability, I create a little tension between myself and someone, or I create a pseudo-lie that I need to remember and be able to replicate upon subsequent conversations with people in order to not offend them. It stacks up. And crushes down on me. The more people I meet, and the more people I sensor myself to, the more difficult it becomes. I’ve basically started a ‘sensored profile’ that I use uniformly in almost every situation as the “socially acceptable facade”. That makes keeping my pseudo-lies consistent much easier, but it introduces a whole new problem: I start believing my pseudo-lies. I’ve started to believe myself that I am who I pretend I am. This is stupid. Its doing exactly what I’ve been told all my life NOT to do.

Be yourself.

I’ve basically become the type of person I never understood before, who changes themselves to fit their society. I say the things people expect me to say. I act the way people expect me to act. I do the things people expect me to do. All for the sake of not offending people who don’t have the whole picture. I started this ideal as a way of better communicating with people, and it has lead to more isolation than I was subject to before. Hell, I’ve basically forgotten how to be me. All this fakeness has overwhelmed the sense of self that I had been developing before I became aware of others’ opinions.

Now I could, right here and right now, make a resolution to be myself, and to never sensor myself again in conversations. To change myself for the better. To find myself again. To conquer the castle and save the princess.

But I know that’s total bullshit. I’ll fall asleep. This mood will pass. And in the morning I’ll fall right back into that ‘tried and true’ profile I’ve created to keep myself moving through my day. Nothing is going to change. I’m not even going to kid myself on that. But at least now that I’ve had a chance to rant, maybe I can keep it up a bit longer without freaking out and withdrawing back into my introverted bubble.

saceboard:

1. Nacreous Clouds

2. Mammatus Clouds

3. Altocumulus Castelanus

4. Noctilucent Clouds

5. Mushroom Clouds

6. Cirrus Kelvin-Helmholtz

7. Lenticular Clouds

8. Roll Clouds

9. Shelf Clouds

10. Stratocumulus Clouds

(Source: collthings.co.uk)